Title: Hollow
Author: Christine
Pairing: Shnicky
Rating: Adult
Disclaimer: This is fiction and never happened!
Summary: Nicky knows only one way to cope with his feelings…
Warning: This story deals with self harm, cutting to be precise. Don't read if you can't deal with that!

Hollow

“No, Gina, I really mean it! I don’t want you here. It’s over!” Nicky hit the end button and threw his cell phone on his bed. Tears were running down his cheeks and he was trying to catch his breath.

He had just ended his marriage.

Crying, he fell down on the bed and buried his face into the pillow. Why did it hurt so much? It was supposed to make things easier.

He had thought that it would be a huge relief if he hadn’t to pretend anymore – pretend to love Georgina, pretend to love a woman. Yet, he felt like he had just done the biggest mistake in his life, throwing away the only safety net he still had.

Now there was nothing he could control anymore, but Nicky needed control. Control was his life…

However, the feelings for Shane – his best mate – were also part of his life. That was something he couldn’t control.

Now that he had sent Georgina away, there were consequences he had to face. He had known that all the time and had thought he was ready to give up control, ready to tell the only man in his life that he was in love with him.

In reality, he wasn’t ready. He had given up control too soon. Nicky could feel it slip away from him and he started to panic.

His hands were shaking and he was almost hyperventilating. He had to get this under control – his body, his mind, his emotional pain.

Pain.

That was it. Not emotional pain, but physical pain – the only thing he could still control.

As fast as his shaking legs could carry him, he ran into the small bathroom and locked the door behind him.

He always locked the door, even if there was only the smallest possibility of somebody catching him. In the hotels, like now, there was always the chance of somebody using Jake’s spare key, but even at home with Georgina gone to work or to a friend he didn’t feel save if he didn’t lock the door.

Taking a few deep breaths to calm his hands, he pulled a small box out of the bag he carried his shaving kit in.

Again, he wanted to be save, nobody would say anything about the single razor blade, he could really use it to shave. Only he knew that he had never shaved with it – he had always used it to cut himself.

After getting rid of his jeans, Nicky sat down on the toilet, his gaze immediately caught by the few deep red scars on his legs. He had even more smaller scars which you could only see if you knew that they were there.

Touching the skin, he had to swallow. Something deep inside his mind screamed at him that this was getting out of control, but he told himself that in reality this was the only thing that gave him the feeling of control, at least of a small part of his life.

Nicky could still remember the first time he had hurt himself on purpose. It had been the day he had realized that he had feelings for Shane.

He hadn’t been able to accept those feelings, he was angry of himself and in a rage he smashed the mirror in the hotel room he had been staying at. Seeing his own blood had and still did calm him down, helped him to concentrate on the physical pain, which numbed the emotional pain in that moment.

Of course the others had seen the wounds on his hands and arms and he had told them that he had tripped over his own feet and had landed in the mirror. They had believed him.

As soon as he had felt it again, the loss of control, he knew what to do. Since he didn’t want anybody to know, he had always cut himself on his legs.

Somehow he had become an expert of finding excuses not to dress in the same room as anybody else or to shower with the others after the shows at the venue. And he seemed to make quite a good job as they had never questioned his excuses.

All in all he guessed that they didn’t pay that much attention to him anyway. They would never think that his easy-going and funny side was just a façade. Inside he felt hollow, just dead.

Now he was glad that he had picked up this habit of cutting himself, he knew that if he lost everything else in his life, he would still have this.

He refused to call it an addiction, he told himself that he could stop it anytime he wanted to. He didn’t really realize that he had to cut deeper and deeper every time he picked up the razor blade.

Death wasn’t an option for him. He had thought about killing himself a few times, but he wasn’t suicidal – he just needed the physical pain and the blood.

As soon as the cold blade cut open the skin on his lower leg, he felt the relief. He watched the blood oozing out of the wound.

His hands stopped shaking and he could finally breath again – his blood hadn’t lost any of its power as a sedative. He picked up a few tissues because he didn’t want to make a mess.

Suddenly his head shot up as he heard somebody knocking on the door to his hotel room.

“Nicky, you there?”

That just couldn’t be, not him, not now… Hearing Shane’s voice, he had to bite his lip.

Once again Shane knocked, but then it stopped. Nicky let out a breath he had been holding when he didn’t hear anything anymore. Shane finding him was the last thing he needed right now.

Minute after minute passed and Nicky thought that the bleeding should stop soon, but it seemed as if he had cut a little bit too deep this time.

Feeling the first stage of a panic attack rising in him, he told himself over and over again that it would stop any second, that he didn’t need to worry.

“Nicky?”

A shock run through him, stopping the panic. It was Shane again and this time his voice was coming from the room. Nicky couldn’t remember hearing Shane, entering the hotel room. That couldn’t be, not now.

Shane tried the handle on the bathroom door without success. “Nicky? What are you doing in there? You okay?”

Nicky felt tears in his eyes when he heard the concern in Shane’s voice. What should he say? Shane simply couldn’t find out – not him, not anybody.

“Erm… I’m okay, Shay… I’ll be out in a few minutes…”

He looked down at his leg and saw that the bleeding hadn’t stopped yet, it had even increased.

“Shit!”

Hearing Nicky swearing like that, Shane knew something was wrong, terribly wrong.

“Nicky, let me in, now!”

Nicky didn’t know what to do, looking at his leg, at the door and at his leg again. He knew that Shane wouldn’t give up, not when he sounded so desperate and worried.

Sighing, Nicky stood up and went over to the door. He was sure that this was the end of his world, now everybody would find out, they would all hate him, Shane wouldn’t want to see him anymore.

After a few attempts in vain, Nicky managed to unlock the door and went back to sit down again.

Shane opened the door, but he was frozen when he saw all the bloody tissues on the bathroom floor.

“Oh my God, Nicky! What happened?”

He didn’t receive any answer. Nicky just kept on looking on his bleeding leg and Shane followed his gaze.

“Fuck!” Shane grabbed a towel and pressed it on the wound. In his mind he still had problems to realize what was happening.

A tear landed on his hand and as he looked up, he saw that Nicky was crying.

“Oh, Nicky… what did you do?”

Nicky still didn’t answer, he just kept on shaking his head. Shane sighed.

“Okay. Let me sort this out and then we sit down and talk.”

There was no anger in Shane’s voice, but he made it clear that Nicky wasn’t getting away with this.

The bleeding stopped eventually and Shane started to clean the wound and Nicky’s leg. Of course, Shane noticed all the other scars, too. He just wanted to cry. What had Nicky done to himself?

“There’s a bandage in my suitcase…”

Shane was shocked to hear Nicky’s voice. This wasn’t Nicky, it was a frightened child. Shane just nodded and went to find the bandage.

A few minutes later the wound was covered up and they were both sitting on Nicky’s bed. There was silence for a few moments, but suddenly Nicky started to talk.

He told Shane everything about the cutting, the fear of losing control, even that he had left Georgina that day – yet, he didn’t tell him the main reason behind all that.

“You need help, Nicky.”

Nicky’s heart broke at all the worry in these words, but they also made him angry.

“I don’t need help! I can stop this on my own…”

“Can you really?” Shane looked straight into Nicky’s eyes and, what Nicky didn’t know, straight into his soul.

“I’m not going to see a fucking shrink if you mean that!” Nicky turned his head, Shane’s eyes were too much for him right now.

Again an uncomfortable silence filled the room, but this time Shane was the one who broke it.

“If you don’t do it for yourself, then do it for me, please…”

Before Nicky could answer, he felt soft lips on his. What was going on? That was the last question Nicky could ask in his mind before his brain shut down and he started to kiss Shane back.

When they both needed air again, they broke the kiss and Shane lay his forehead against Nicky’s, looking deep into those scared ocean blue eyes.

“Please, Nicky, do it for me. Get help…”

“How…?” That was the only word Nicky could manage to say. This wasn’t really happening, he was just dreaming.

“I saw it in your eyes a long time ago, but I was scared – scared that I was wrong, scared of my feelings for you. But now I’m even more scared for you… what if it gets out of control? What if you cut too deep one day and I’m not here to help you? I wouldn’t be able to live without you. I’m scared of losing you…”

It was only now that Nicky noticed the tears that were falling from Shane’s eyes and he knew that Shane meant what he had said – every single word.

Nicky managed a weak smile, brushing Shane’s tears away.

“You’re not going to lose me. You’ll only get me – me when I’m okay, when I’m normal again… I’ll get help, Shane… for you and for me…”

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